No, I'm not kidding

Duccio’s “Temptation of Christ on the Mountain” hangs next to a chair with a fancy rope blocking the seat from any possible sitter, especially kids. Oh God, especially no kids allowed to sit in that chair. They shouldn’t be here to begin with if they are. There aren’t any kids at all though. Luckily.
Ego: What up J.C.?
(Ego, the Latin first -person subject pronoun looks a lot nicer with a colon than its English translation, enters right)
Jesus: How can you speak that way to me? I’m the Lion of Judah, the Lamb of God, the Messiah, the Good Shepard, Jesus of Naz–
Ego: Thank you, alright, easy Son of Sam.
Jesus: Son of Man. Son of Man. This is intolerable. God, can you believe this? (looks up)
Ego: It was a joke. Cool it. Do you need a drink? Never mind. How have you been?
Jesus: Forgive him father. He knows not what he does.
Ego: Am I talking to myself here? You’d think I could get at least a shrug, a nod, God willing a “Yeah, I’m okay,” from Jesus. Christ! Are you in outer space?
(Jesus, interrupted, winks up then looks back down at Ego)
Jesus: Forgive me, what’s up?
Ego: OH. I see how it is. It’s okay if He says it. Okay, no, I came to ask a favor of you.
Jesus: That’s what I’m here for. Right? (looks up for bit of reassurance)
Ego: Look. Well, this is the thing, see, we go back a long way, yeah? Oh, it’s nothing. Forget it.
Jesus: Baby? Are you kidding me? Are you serious? What’s going on? You’re so nervous looking. You’re scratching the top of your left foot against your right ankle. I know, and you know, that’s your give-away. What aren’t you telling me?
Ego: Dammit!
(Jesus crosses himself and looks up)
Jesus: I’m sorry.
Ego: I will lay it out straight for you. This is hard for me, so try to listen and hear me out until I’m through before you say anything.
Jesus: I promise. I promise on the bible I won’t say anything until you say you’re through.
Ego: I appreciate that.
Jesus: Wait. Have we started yet?
Ego: Started what?
(Jesus does that nod with the strained frown that we all do when we can’t say anything out loud but we need to tell something important to somebody)
Ego: Well not yet.
Jesus: Oh thank heavens. I wasn’t ready.
Ego: I’ll say “Ready” when I want to start.
Jesus: That sounds fine.
Ego: Okay. Ready?
Jesus: (with a childish smile) Set.
Ego: (with a reluctant frown) Go.
(Jesus slaps his left hand over his mouth)
Ego: You’re the Son of God, the Only Son of God–which I always though sounded a little curious because, as I understood it, everybody was supposed to be one of God’s children. That’s not my point though. You’re the Messiah on earth, now—which is also a bit curious. Where were you before you came down? No, don’t answer that. It’d be a bad tangent and it has nothing to do with my point, either.
To the point, if you are, I mean, you are. Since you are Jesus, you’re here to help us all out. Does that mean technically you’re here to help me out, too? Does that make sense so far? You can nod.
I’ll explain more. You’re Jesus. I am just who God made me and have to play this role God cast for me to play forever, regardless. Thus, what I’m doing—and what I want to do—has actually been commissioned by the Big Guy, Himself.
(Jesus’ hand stays over his mouth as he nods an apology up to the Big Guy)
You, having also been commissioned by God, if you are really going to see out His whole command to help us all out, you must in fact help me out. You dig? What I need a hand with specifically is three fold. Well, maybe four-fold. No, three-fold basically. Anyway.
First—and this should be pretty simple for you, considering—I just need you to transfigure some of these rocks into food. It’s getting boring down here and a little magic like that would really lighten the mood. Ah, no, don’t say anything yet.
Second, could you just a little bit maybe worship me as I were God and worship the unholy kingdoms of the earth like they were heaven? Really, if you cross your fingers I don’t think he’ll care.
Lastly. Try to kill yourself? Now we both know there’s no way He’s going to let you really die, but I don’t need you to die. It would just do my self-confidence a barrel of good to see you give Him a run for his money. Really make Him freak out.
Nope, don’t answer right away. This is a lot to take in. I want you to think it over. Give it some working through. I’ve got a month and a week or so that I can afford to wait, so take your time.
The end
Or at least
To be continued…